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I'm at a blogging crossroads. My time is taken up with other obligations, and I'm beginning to have an" I'll write later" attitude. I can't help but notice that my content has become more superficial, and less significant. I'd need to get to a place where I can really organize my thoughts and feelings and put "pen to paper"…so to speak. I can remember a time when I'd post once a day, it seems like I'm in a slump. I'm looking for some inspiration.

Time can easily get away from you, as it has me which is why I didn't blog recently. Life gets busy and somethings just have taken a back seat.



Life can be anxiety-provoking. But I hate to waste the quiet times; the peaceful moments that could be spent reading, laughing, cuddling. Sometimes, like everyone else at one time or another, I have to shake myself and give myself a stern talking-to. But tonight my ill-feeling seems to have evaporated on expression. No need to chastise myself further. All I need now is a cup of hot chocolate, and a good book. I need someone right now, and I thought that I would have someone here with me. But for some reason, I need to do this on my own.



My mind is running everywhere. When I sit still, it feels like my mind itself, my thoughts themselves are vibrating. I feel shaky, but inside. I cannot sit still in my mind. I can lay perfectly still in my bed, on my bed, and I do. But I feel like the ceiling is twitching and changing shapes and coming closer, and then going further away from my face. It feels like I am sweating when I am not. I am having nightmares and I genuinely am worried that I am losing my mind. I actually feel nuts inside, and I am totally aware that I am losing it. I feel on edge and tense, and I have this horrible cloud inside of my stomach that I think recharges while I sleep every night. My mind goes blank when I try to think about what I am about to say to people. My mind wants to jump into a car, and run over anything rational that comes out of my mouth. I am trying to remember things like days, and events and memories, but I cannot find them. I am so unsettled inside and restless. I feel lethargic.



Basically, I just need to be alone for awhile to sort things out in my mind. I feel like everyone and everything is smothering me and I'm unsure of how to handle things right now. I just need time to be me, I need to get my life straight, and accomplish the goals that I want to accomplish in my life. I want to give my kids a good life, and I realize that they will soon have a broken home.. but they will still also have 2 parents that love them more than life.



I do need my friends right now.. but I also need my quiet time. Please understand if you've written me and I haven't gotten back to you yet, I just have a lot going on right now. I love all of you guys so very much and thank you all for being there for me. I just want you to know that if I happen to disappear for awhile, everything is fine, I just need the break.



I don't really have anything else to say right now so I guess I will stop here........

So I've been thinking alot lately about different things. My mind has been non-stop for a few weeks. I can't sleep, and it's driving me nuts. I have to vent.. haven't thought this out.. so I'll just type it as I think it.

Why is it that the past can be so fucking painful? I'm too fucking trusting, and have always been the type of person that would do absolutely anything for anybody. I've never taken the time to actually be happy myself. My entire life I have done nothing but try to please others, listen to their problems when they needed me, etc. etc. I'm sick of always being there for everybody else when so many times no-one has been there for me. I always bottle everything up, and I am so fucking sick of always pretending like everything is ok. I still can't get over the shit that happened to me in October. So many people that I was so close to just fucking turned on me. It's complete and total bullshit. I have so much pain in my heart right now and just don't know how to deal with it. I'm tired of the nightmares and the panic attacks. Will it ever fucking stop?? I almost feel like all the bad shit that has happened to me over the past few months is karma's way of getting back at me for things I did in my past. I seriously can't take this anymore. Anybody that knows me knows that I am extremely open and honest about anything and everything, but when it comes to my personal feelings and my pain, I tend to keep that to myself. I stay awake at night and cry just for the fact that I don't want my kids, or Harley to see me hurting. He says I can talk to him about anything, but I just can't talk to anyone about this. To the few people that stayed by my side and helped me through the first few weeks of that, thank you so very much, I will forever be grateful to you. This is just absolutely killing me.. they say things get better with time but that's bullshit, I think this is getting worse. I'm getting to the point where I just want to shut out the whole world and never trust anyone again. I feel so stupid and used. No, this is not meant to be a "pity me" blog, I just have to get this shit off my chest. Sometimes I wish I could just take something to fall asleep and never wake up. I'm not suicidal, I love my family far too much for that. I'm just so tired of living in pain. I think "he" honestly believes there was nothing wrong with what he did to me. He's a sick person.. and I won't wish anything bad upon him because that's not how I am, but I will say karma will get him eventually. I try my best to stay positive and happy and live every day like nothing is bothering me. It's getting harder and harder to do that. I just want to sleep..... I'm tired of crying, tired of the nightmares, and tired of him being in my fucking mind. I don't know what to do..... I just give up...

Here in the shadows where I make my home, I wonder what the light feels like. I've spent brief moments in its splendor, but always, when I return to the obscurity that is my domain, I cannot remember what it aroused in me. I become a shell, a frame that supports a vanished substance, as I have always been. I wonder, when was the last moment I truly felt anything besides pain? Perhaps I never did, it's so hard to know.



I could push it to the farthest corner of my mind, and hold it there, but it was never truly gone. I learned to veil it, to deny its existence, for once it was said that to deny something will cause its demise, was it not? It seemed to help, but never brought the pain to an end.

I sometimes think that I'm gripping a thread, a delicate filament that is all that anchors me to sanity. Perhaps I am. It won't be too long before that thread snaps, but I'm not worried. Maybe when I can no longer think, the pain will subside and give me some measure of tranquility, serenity.



Then again, maybe not. I have only to wait and see.



It's a dull ache sometimes, and a sharp, rending agony at others. Right now, as I think of it and ponder what I have become, it is the latter. And the worst of it, is that I cannot bandage my wounds, I cannot stop them from festering, for they are not physical; they are scars of the mind, forever to be borne in silence and eternal hope for the end.



A soul such as mine should never have existed in the first place. What am I, to the world? Life has lost its magnetism for me, and I find myself without purpose. Did I ever have a purpose? I'm not certain whether I did once, or whether I merely deluded myself into believing that I did?



So that is how it stands. The pain is receding now, becoming dull, almost bearable. When I go away, it will vanish completely, leaving behind only a floating memory that has no home.



Soon.

Logic, we all use it. It's rational, it's practical and it's the thing we all turn at some point each day. It's a great tool, it breaks down life's complexities into a simple mathematical equation. It calculates which route is the quickest by counting steps, what meal is the best by comparing price and quantity and what friends are the best by looking at the exchange.



But logic is limited. It knows not the beauty of the scenic route, the flavor of the tender chicken nor the value of the silent friend. Logic has no feelings.



Man's greatest ability, the power to love is perhaps the least logical of all acts. We are all doomed to have 99.9% of our relationships fail yet we continue endlessly to seek the prize. Would it not be easier and far more logical to simply forgo this quest.



Perhaps... but logic knows not the joys of a true romance, only the pain of a shattered one. Logic coldly looks at the odds and says, "it is not wise to continue this foolish quest..." yet we ignore it.



The reason is we are not cold beings. We are more than the sum of some mathematical equation or a comparison of two like parts. We in fact are emotional creatures capable of highs and lows that far exceed the groundwork logic has laid out for us.



Wether you're a believer or an atheist, you have to admit that there is much more to the human soul than simple math and science. While math and science solve our problems, often times the ones emotion gets us into, we can not live off numbers alone. We can not thrive on the sciences alone.



That is why man has created the arts, why man has made music and poetry, in an attempt to expose the non-scientific half in a scientific way. We are our own wildest dreams and our own darkest fears, we are our own mountainous peaks and our own shadowy valleys. We are our own heaven and hell...



For we are more than the sum of our parts, we are human beings. We are not the product of a scientific equation. But creatures as complex and as deep as this world will allow.

"Bliss comes from the senses that reach into the world like searching fingers, caressing the void for a sensation, a touch, another caress. Bliss comes in the sight of frost on the pane, in the sound of leaves crumbling in the fall, in the taste of familiar lips, and in the touch of an evening breeze. Bliss comes through these and in it's purest form bliss comes through the strength of a smile. Riches or dust, all I can ever offer you is the bliss of the senses."